Even in the Darkness

“If I am going to be a saint, I am going to be a saint of darkness, and I’ll be asking from heaven to be the light of those who are in darkness on earth.”                                                                          ~Saint Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Mother Teresa has taught me so much about love, and now that she is a saint, I am asking her to be my light when I am in darkness.

Sometimes, and very often lately, when Jesus seems far away, when I look for Him, search for Him and cannot find him, my temptation is to believe that His love is gone too, like a vapor that has dissipated in the air. But how can this be? He who says, “I will never leave you…I will never fail you or forsake you…I will never forget you…My steadfast love endures forever, it will never depart from you…” All of Scripture is filled with these promises, these assurances of His lasting love.

Today when Jesus seems distant, when I feel very alone, not just for an hour or a day or a week, but for what seems like an interminably long, long time, I imagine that He as my Lover, my Hero, who has left the side of His beloved (that would be me), to go off to war, to fight a noble battle for me—a battle for love, in the name of love, for all that is true, and worthy and good (that would be me, again). He is battling to claim more of my heart, to vanquish those areas of darkness and fear, to capture all of me, that I might truly belong to Him—heart, mind, body and soul.

How can One who has loved me enough to fight for me to the death, not love me still, not continue to fight for me, until the final battle is won? And although His presence is not here, still His love remains within my mind and heart, and the enduring proof of His love is fixed upon each crucifix I see, and every time I hold His body in my hands and place Him on my tongue. 

He is gone, but He is here. He is off fighting for me, but His promise to return remains and He daily sends back word of His love, His fidelity, His devotion to remind me of His love and to help enkindle my heart with hope and longing for that one day when He will return. He is here, yet He is not. We are one, but we are not yet one. So I will wait patiently and while my Love seems far off, I will not despair, I will not give my affection to another, I will not lose heart or complain; I will not listen to another voice. But I will try to rejoice that He loves me, that He fights for me, that He is always with me, and I will wait for Him, even in the darkness.

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